


Mankind’s Most Glorious Weapon

by empwnleon



Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Death, Gen, I spent four days on this BS when I could've actually been writing reasonable stuff, Roomba AU, Route E Spoilers, The two spices of life together at last, oops whats a beta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16896516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empwnleon/pseuds/empwnleon
Summary: The YoRHa units are some of the most advanced androids ever created.Even the Roomba, you ask?Especiallythe Roomba.(Based on Harlequinpants’ comic where everything is the same, except 2B is a knife Roomba.)





	Mankind’s Most Glorious Weapon

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Nier Automata Except 2B is a Knife Roomba](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/438531) by harlequinpants. 



> I made an AO3 account for this.  
> I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not.

“Better make sure it’s actually dead next time,” 9S quipped as he hovered down in his flight unit. “That was dangerous, ma...”

He trailed off as he realized the unit he was supposed to meet up with wasn’t actually there. He glanced left and right, but there was no one else around.

“Uh... ma’am?” C’mon, he had a cool intro and snarky comment and everything! He knew something had to have been beating up this big buzzsaw. “Where are you?”

Thud… thud...

He looked down. A strange, disc-shaped robot was bumping against his flight unit. And it had... a knife taped to it?

“Uh... hello?” Goodness, he felt silly. “Can I, uh, help you?”

It paused. Soon, a IFF identifier appeared on his HUD, hovering over the robot.

“...So you’re 2B?” That _was_ the unit he was supposed to partner up with. But he thought that B-types were supposed to be human-shaped androids like him, not... (he shot another glance downward) ...whatever this was.

“I... uh, I guess I’m 9S then.” Stick to the script, Nines, stick to the script... “I’m here to provide support?”

2B rolled back and forth. Was that supposed to be its version of a nod? It then turned past the wrecked machine and chugged forward, past his flight unit.

“Hey, ma’am, wait a moment!” He swiveled towards the robot, but it suddenly spun to face him, bumping again against his flight unit’s leg.

“Uh… ma’am?” The headbutting sped up a notch. So it didn’t like that, huh? “Err, how about 2B?”

The headbutting stopped. If 9S had a free arm, he would’ve massaged his forehead. “Okay… 2B, I’m guessing that wasn’t the Goliath you came here to take out?”

Another back-and-forth motion. He sighed. “I guess we have to find the target, then.” He took another look at the robot’s tiny wheels, just visible under its chassis. “I’ve, uh, got a flight unit, so I’ll take a look around the perimeter. I guess you can… take the ground?”

One last bump against his flight unit (okay, he was being a bit condescending there) and it made it towards the rest of the abandoned factory. He fired up his own thrusters and flew off into the sky, sparing one final glance to the tiny robot behind him. He would be amazed if it contributed anything to this mission.

 

* * *

 

9S gaped at the burning wreckage of the two Marxes, their saws shattered into pieces as smoke billowed from their forms.

2B sat in front of the flames, knife covered in soot and oil.

He was never doubting her again.

 

* * *

 

9S stole a look at his partner as they stood on the roller coaster and gulped. If he wasn’t going to ask now, when would he? “Hey, 2B?”

2B stabbed another machine lifeform that futilely swiped above her head. It flew backwards and exploded into pieces, the flames flickering around them as the roller coaster sped forward.

“People who know me well call me Nines, so… what do you think?”

Another machine exploded as her Pod’s machine gun fire finally wore it down.

“I mean, if you want to call me Nines, that’s totally okay.”

2B rotated the other way as she turned towards a Medium Biped that had just landed.

9S tried not to feel completely dejected.

 

* * *

 

6O could feel the other Operators staring at her as she cried into her terminal. But she couldn’t help it! “Honestly, 2B?” She sniffled. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on living...”

On the other side of the camera, 2B continued chugging through the grass.

6O grabbed another tissue box and choked out another sob. “I don’t think I can stand one more day in this Bunker…” she muttered.

2B suddenly halted. Her wheels revved up a few times, spinning uselessly against the dirt as a sharp noise sounded with each one. It took six tries before her wheels caught on the ground again, and she moved a few more inches before coming once more to a halt.

6O’s eyes widened. “A-Are… you saying you need me, 2B?”

2B was still for a long moment, then slowly rolled back and forth.

Tears welled up in 6O’s eyes. “2B…”

The communication channel cut off a few seconds later. 6O began wailing once more, grabbing tissues by the handful before blowing her nose into them (with her veil getting caught in the crossfire). On the other side of the command room, 21O sighed as she looked through some text logs about Old World customs. At least her assignment could actually talk.

 

* * *

 

“I - or we machine lifeforms, I suppose - have a keen interest in humanity.” Adam gestured around him. “This city is one of many areas I created out of a desire to understand - to know - humans. It’s grand, don’t you think? Almost… spiritual. And yet, it’s currently nothing more than an android graveyard!”

The Roomba continued to stare silently at him.

“...I’m monologuing to a vacuum cleaner.” Adam held his head in his hand. “Why in the name of humanity do you want to **** this thing, boy?!”

 

* * *

 

9S hissed in pain as more of his skin peeled off. He could feel the Logic Virus tearing through his software protections; with it this far advanced, there wasn’t anything he could do to purge it from his systems.

He stared at 2B. For once, she was unarmed, her knife still embedded in Eve’s head. “Please…” he begged. “I want you to do this… for me…”

Slowly, almost apprehensively, 2B approached. She rolled onto his feet, using them as a ramp to climb on top of him.

He took one last, long look at her, trying to take in every last detail of her form.

He could feel her gazing back at him in turn.

She started moving forward again, and he let himself be pushed down. Soon, she was on his chest, her full weight behind the bumper pressing down on his neck.

He couldn’t breathe. He began gasping as his reactor began to burn out without any more water vapor to fuel it.

The last thing he saw before his vision faded to black was two red girls throwing up their hands in frustration.

 

* * *

 

9S had figured that things were starting to look up. He had re-uploaded himself back into an android body, got a few compliments from his Operator, and even managed to temporarily forget that his sole reason for being turned out to be a lie, but he couldn’t tell anyone or else they would be dragged into this existential crisis too.

But, somehow, things got worse.

By god, they got worse.

And now he could only stare in shock at the sight of 2B skewered by her own knife.

A2 pulled the blade out from its victim, and after a weightless pause, 2B began sliding off the rock. But even as she fell, 9S could hear the soft whirr of her servos, humming one last tune.

A tune that he had only heard once before. A tune that she only used with him.

_“Nines.”_

And with that, 2B fell off the boulder, chattering onto the ground below.

 

* * *

 

A2 stared intently at her reflection in the spring.

An android with a knife duct-taped to the top of her head stared back at her.

“Proposal: Unit A2 should state her intentions.”

“Don’t fucking ask me!” A2 ripped the knife off her head and chucked it at the floating toaster behind her. It moved a bit to the right, and the blade sailed harmlessly past before clattering to the ground.

A2 sighed, then went over to pick the stupid knife back up. She’d never tell the Pod this, but a weird, sentimental part of her wanted to honor 2B. Its ankle-stabbing ways had nearly taken her out in the Forest Kingdom, after all. And even she wasn’t heartless enough to not feel sorry for it as it tried to roll past those infected androids, despite getting pummeled by their swords.

She didn’t think a Roomba could talk, but the whine of its motors as it sat there, its lights blinking red instead of blue, had sounded… desperate. And so, she had done the only thing she could for the little thing.

That Scanner kid had sounded pissed, though. Eh, she was sure they could talk it out later.

A2 stared at the knife thoughtfully, its white blade practically glowing in the sunlight. Maybe if she cut her hair to show her respect instead… nah, but 2B didn’t have hair. That wouldn’t make sense. She sighed again as she sheathed it back at her hip.

“Proposal: Unit A2 should state her intentions.”

She kneaded her temples. What on earth had that Roomba dragged her into?

 

* * *

 

9S stepped back onto the elevator to the shopping mall.

Behind him, in the field of Lunar Tears, stood a lone wooden post. A roll of tape was perched carefully at its end.

 

* * *

 

“They put my _brain_ in a _vacuum cleaner_?!”

“Alert: Unit A2 should focus on the enemy Goliath in front of-“

“No, we’re talking about this now! Who was the dipshit who thought, ‘Hey, that personality type did better than we expected! I know, we’ll shove it into a fucking _Roomba_ that doesn’t even have any _arms_ and sic it on actual androids-’”

“Proposal: Do not insult this tactical support unit’s previous assignment. Unit 2E had eliminated the most enemy machine lifeforms out of all YoRHa units, as well as the most android execution targets-”

“That’s says a lot _fucking_ more about YoRHa than-”

Pod 042 chose not to warn his current support assignment about the enemy’s incoming laser weapon. He was rewarded handsomely.

 

* * *

 

A2 could only stare in complete befuddlement. 9S glared back, eyes burning bright red from the Logic Virus.

A Roomba was taped to his chest. On his left arm, which was a sparking stump from the elbow down, a knife was taped on like the world’s shittiest prosthetic.

“Shut up!” 9S screamed, spittle flying from his mouth as he pointed his knife hand towards her. “What do you know? You don’t know anything at all about us!”

She had to agree with him there.

 

* * *

 

It had been nearly a month since the end of Project YoRHa.

Pod 150 floated through the air, above the ruins of the city. “Everything that lives is designed to end,” she mused, echoing words long gone by. “‘They’ are perpetually trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death.”

She saw a building up ahead and sped up. “However... life is all about the struggle within this cycle.”

Pod 042 was already waiting for her at the top. “That is what ‘we’ believe.”

Two familiar figures were lying in front of them. The pair nodded at each other. It was finally time.

“A future is not given to you. It is something you must take for yourself.”

Pod 042 reached down and, with a click, pressed the button on top of 2B. 


End file.
